Changes

A lot of my friends have been bugging me to put up a new post lately, so I am going to.

There are a lot of little things about to change in my life now, and many of them have led me to think about the things and people in my life; how they affect me, how I treat them, and even what it might mean to lose them. So here is a short list:

An ex-not-so-love: He's moving away, it seems, with his new girl. The one I sort of took him away from. We never really had much of a chance to go anywhere, did we? We have little in common, his family drove me batty, and (though I never gave him the chance) I think he would have driven my friends batty too. There are many things we never shared, but those we did were intense and focused, the kind of feeling of exhilaration you feel when you are about to beat a video game, or win a sporting event. I never thought that my feelings for him ran that deep, more, I just thought he was incredibly beautiful, and there was a sense of disbelief at what lengths he was willing to go to in order to have me. Lately though, I think about what will happen when he is gone, and there is an ache inside. Did I love him? Probably not, but he has been such a huge part of my life at a time when I have been confused, happy, terrified, defeated. But most of all, he watched me change at the speed of light, and walked with me while he could, held my hand whenever it was next to him. I will miss him terribly when he goes, more than I ever thought I could.

A Best Friend: Stasis can only last for so long. Eventually, the ambitious and driven among us must move forward with our lives, step onto the ladder we have stood looking up at for weeks, months, maybe even years. Stepping onto that ladder separates us from others, and for those who don't step up, or step away, looking for a different ladder, it is scary to watch us go. What happens when we lose the common ground that brought us together, even if we have found much firmer, larger ground to keep building on? If that first foundation disappears, does the relationship, along with all it's complex inter workings, come crashing down around us, or do we keep building, just in a different direction? It doesn't matter... I love you, and I know that will win out in the end, just as I know you will not stop loving me. Out of sight, but NOT out of mind.

A career: I have a job that many of my peers are incredibly envious of. I have respect, responsibility, and a certain sophistication, all because of my job. If I chose, I could probably stay here for 20, 30 more years, and advance through the ranks from peon to executive. I could "live the dream": kids, a house, a great job, a husband. I have never thought of myself as one of these types of people, but I would be a liar if I said that the prospect of leaving and making significantly less money didn't affect my thoughts of the future. I have enjoyed the last year, knowing what the schedule was for each day, yet not finding them repetitive, stale, as if they came out of a can that was filled with exact copies of the same day. But lately, I feel off somehow. Restless, maybe. I am ready for something new. I want to go to Law School. I want to help people. I want to live in Europe. I want to have more; excitement, adventure, new todays un-darkened by yesterday's shadow. I am stepping forward, cautiously, to see if I can parlay this job (which I do like, for the record) into something that could sustain me for most of my life.

Loss: This is one of the most difficult parts of life to deal with. Death, a breakdown of friendships, losing people to new places, new lives. All of these things are coming for us all. The big decision we need to make is how we will react to it.
Friends die, as mine did, and we grieve acutely for them. Then what? For me, it was to use her memory as fuel to move forward. Fuel to make myself what I want to be, without consideration of what others think. She is gone from this life, and without betraying my thought on the afterlife, I have made the decision that her legacy will be honored through me.
Friendships change over time, of course. We all know that. But what happens when the changes drop a granite block between you, and suddenly, you are not so sure you want to climb over it? At least not alone. Closeness that once kept me sane has given way to, I believe, anger and distrust, a loss of faith and love. How is it, though, that two people who knew each other SO well can grow SO far apart SO quickly. My feelings have not changed, I just think it shouldn't have to be this hard. I'm still here, but I don't think you are. Maybe this was all we were supposed to be to each other...
There are, though, the friendships that will survive anything. Distance, discomfort, disinterest. I once heard "great love" described as a love that shakes you to your core, changes you. Great Loves never really leave us, and we are never the same after having them. The love and pain that we have had will bind us together until we are a hundred years from here, no matter what choices we make. That is the nature of true friendship. You are one of my great loves.

Growing up is hard, we have all felt our own brand of growing pains. I am acutely aware, though, finally, that this IS my life. Its not what is happening while I wait for the real thing to start. Things will change as life advances, but the thorns will always be there. The choice, then, is this: Do we see the roses or do we see the thorns? For me, its roses, and scratches from grabbing the thorns along with.