I often feel selfish or unappreciative when I feel this way, but sometimes my day to day existence bores me to tears. Working out in the morning helped for a little while, but now it seems to contribute... My day, every week day, consists of getting up, drinking coffee until I am sort of coherent, getting ready for, then going to, work, coming home, some measure of cooking and cleaning, an hour or so of TV time, and then bed.
But what, then, is it that I expect? What is it that I am missing? Is there some idea that I have of what my life should or could be like that would make me feel differently? Is the problem just that I have no expectation, no real definition of what I want out of life in the moment? I mean, I have a million and one goals I would like to someday achieve, but maybe the reason I feel the tedium of every day is that I don't have a goal, a clear desire for my life right now, in this moment and the next, but no further ahead than tomorrow or the next day.
I have been making a conscious and concerted effort lately to examine my reactions to and my feelings about everything in my life, from the people who annoy me to the little things around the house that drive me crazy. My intent is to sort out the passive, energy sucking complaining from the active, useful sort of negative feelings that drive you to make a change. The reason for this is that I noticed, maybe 2 or 3 months ago, that every morning that I rode the elevator up to my floor with another person, my response to the polite "How are you this morning" conversation was to complain about something. Anything. I could not remember one time where I said that I was doing well, or that I was happy to be here. Not that I aspire to become a liar, saying that everything is wonderful, and that I always feel refreshed walking into this place that sometimes feels like a sinking ship, but I would like to find the positive in every day when I can, and to try to be a positive person. When things are bad, a negative person only makes it worse. A positive person can be the point of light in any person's day. Just a smile in the hallway can make the biggest difference.
So, back to the question of boredom and living in the present... I realized, in considering this bored, dissatisfied feeling, that I live the weekdays for the weekend. While I am realistic to realize that there will always be some element of that to my life (After all, they call it work for a reason...), I realize that I can make minor changes in my days that will at least mean that I enjoy the evenings, and maybe the mornings as well (Though a morning person I am most definitely NOT). So, to that end, I have decided that I am going to cook dinner for myself and Adolfo whenever I can. Who cares if I have to do dishes at the end of it?? I love to cook, and it makes me feel good when I serve something and Adolfo raves about it. When he shows his appreciation for the hard work I put into some dish, it just adds to the joy I feel from preparing it. For the morning, I have resolved to slow down. Getting up 20 minutes earlier really can be worth it if it means I get to savor my aromatic, dark Puerto Rican coffee, instead of chugging it as I run to the shower. Who cares if I get to work at 8:15 instead of 8? It makes enough of a difference to my day to not have to be stressed out about making my morning routine a laser-precise military operation that the couple of minutes of sleep or extra work I would do instead is an easy thing to give up.
I have been trying to do this for a couple of weeks now, and though I still have some days where everything feels mundane and trivial, I find myself enjoying things a lot more. The sunshine in the evening as I walk out of work makes me feel happy, getting my 25-30 minute workout in the morning feels like a success, and picking out clothes to wear to work is actually fun again. Last night I made arroz con pollo, and I think it may have been my most successful attempt to date, and it was received with rave reviews! I am even taking joy in picking our home. I feel satisfied that the dishes are done, and I feel much more relaxed in a bedroom where everything is (mostly) put away. Walking into a picked up house makes such a difference, because you don't feel some kind of pressure to over schedule the rest of the evening in order to make things looks better.
Adolfo finishes school soon, and I am so looking forward to having time to share with him again. Summer is coming, and it it going to be great! :)
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